Untitled Entry #1

By Mattie | November 22, 2008

Whoa. It’s been a long time since I last wrote.

So much going on and yet nothing has happened.  Let me break it down because it’s just too long to write about everything.

In between all that, I’ve been contemplating life in general.  The good, the bad, the ugly.  I see the bad, I feel the ugly, I’m just not living the good.

And I know it’s just because I’m feeling old right now.  My son turned 38 today.  THIRTY-EIGHT.  I don’t think I can get away with telling people I gave birth to him when I was 4.  It might be the gray streak running right down the middle of my bangs.  That and I lost an inch due to age or something like that.

How did 38 years go by?  When did all that happen?  I guess it’s too late to slow the earth’s revolutions down or turn back the clock, huh?

Oh well, I can’t change anything now.  And would I want to?  In a freaking heartbeat, for sure.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Rambling | 5 Comments »

Never Lost

By Mattie | October 16, 2008

Yesterday we decided to take a trip through the vast farmland area of Amish country here in PA.  Our destination was to make a visit to a new casino that opened up about 6 months ago.  We just wanted to check it out, maybe gamble a little bit, and have some lunch then go home.

We had no problem getting to the casino.  All had a good time.  Especially my daughter who ended up winning $600 on the penny slots (brat).  We had lunch and decided to drive back home.

We took the same route out as we took to get there.  Or so we thought.

I’m driving along, following the same route number as I did to get to the casino.  But after about 20 minutes of not seeing the route number road sign, I realized we were lost.

And we had no idea how to get back to the point where we missed the correct route sign.

I had a flash of inspiration.  I got out my cell phone because I knew there had to be some way to use this marvel of technology.

And I was right.  All I had to do was download the VZ Navigator software to my cell phone, turn the Location Settings to “Location On.”  Then I selected the option that said, “find me.”  So the GPS started searching for me and it found me.  It even gave the correct address of the farm house I was sitting in front of trying not to panic because I was lost.

Once the Navigator software found me, all I had to do was text in my destination address and low and behold, it told me exactly where I was and how to get where I needed to go.  Awesome.

It turns out we were only about 20 minutes from the freeway.  Trust me, there was no way we would have found the freeway.  We had a lot of turns to make to get us out of the jungle and would never have made the correct ones at all.

And the GPS VZ Navigator did it with a pleasant voice through my cell.  It was truly the greatest thing since PB&J.  To know that I will never, ever get lost is such a wonderful feeling.

Well, that’s it my kiddies.

I hope you are all well.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Daily Nonsense | 2 Comments »

Happy 15th Anniversary

By Mattie | October 9, 2008

I wish I could figure out what happened to the last 15 years. Holy Crap, did they go by in a blink.

This is a tough day for me. Most people would be happy and content to be married to someone who, for the most part, is a really good guy.

But I don’t have particularly good memories about getting married. Things were in a rush (no, I was not pregnant) because we knew that a month after the wedding, he was having heart surgery.

We rushed the wedding because we just wanted to make sure that if anything happened to him on the table or afterwards that I would be able to take custody of the kids.  Our main goal was to make sure that neither of the kids would go to someone in the family who was (a) an alcoholic, (b) never a parent, or (c) was in it for the money.

In the madcap planning for our at-home wedding, one tiny little fact escaped our notice. The date we picked also happened to be the same date that his previous wife was buried a year earlier.  It wasn’t until I was sitting at the breakfast table that day and drinking a cup of coffee that I realized this fact and immediately became ill.

I wanted to cancel the ceremony.  We had friends and family (including his wife’s mother - which meant a lot to us) coming to the house.  And the minister as well. Everything was prepared and ready to go. We had to do this on that day because he was ill and we never knew what the next day would hold.

A lot of things have happened in the last 15 years. Some good, some not so good. I have no doubt he loves me. But I was never the love of his life.  And I knew this to be true and not my insecurities taking over.  And I had no right to expect anything else.  Ours was a different relationship and he did (does) love me.  But the passion I feel for him has never been reciprocated.

I’m not sad for myself.  I am sad for him.  He lost the love of his life.  His true soul mate.  It shouldn’t be me celebrating a wedding anniversary with him and I wish with all my heart that she was still here for him.  They had a beautiful, fun-filled, strong marriage and she gave him two beautiful daughters.  They were soul mates for life.

But there’s nothing I can do about that.  I have always kept her memory alive with her daughters.  We talk about their mom comfortably and I am happy that I knew her enough to be able to answer their questions about a mom they barely remember because they were so very young when she died.

Whenever they wanted to know what her favorite color was, what kind of jokes made her laugh, did she like the oldies or more contemporary rock music, what was her favorite movie — we were both there answering those questions.  At first it was just me.  It took a while for my husband to understand that pretending she never was here on this earth just wasn’t healthy for him and more importantly, for them.

So today is a mixed feelings day.  I know I should be happy.  But it’s really difficult.  It’s difficult to get past knowing that this date means so much more than a wedding anniversary to my husband and myself.

The only thing that will get me through this day is to remember what my oldest stepdaughter said to me on my wedding day.  She said (in her best grown-up voice), “If mom could have picked anyone for dad to marry and be our step mom, it would have been you. I know she’s very happy right now.”

Those words will stay with me forever.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Family (Immediate) | 7 Comments »

I Have No Lashes

By Mattie | September 28, 2008

I haven’t worn makeup in about 9 years.

I used to do my face every day.  I had a routine down pat. I could drink my coffee, smoke a cigarette, and watch the traffic report while applying my makeup as I was getting ready for work.  Easy-peasy 16 minutes tops.

After work, if I was planning on going out, I would strip off all the daytime makeup and put fresh, lighting-appropriate nighttime makeup on my face.  Women know these things — that there is a difference between day vs. night, business vs. casual, and blue-haired lady vs. career woman makeup.

I started wearing makeup in high school.  No one taught me how to do it.  I just experimented until I found the right look for me.  The goal was to apply it in such a way that you look like you’re not wearing any makeup at all.

(Guys, if you’re confused, it’s okay. You’re not supposed to understand.)

I was really good at artistically applying makeup.  My girl friends would always ask if I would do their faces and teach them how not to look like a hooker.  I’m not saying there is anything wrong with looking like a hooker, if that’s the look you’re going for, then that’s fine.  I’m saying if you are about to meet your future mother-in-law, you don’t want blue metallic eye shadow with 2-inch long eyelashes and sparkle liner — am I right?

Once I started to wear makeup, I never left the house or spoke to another human being without my makeup on and perfect.  Sometimes it might have been only lip gloss and mascara.  But my face was never, ever naked.  Except when I slept because … eeeeeeeeuuuuuuuu.  Gross.

But I would get up a half-hour before my husband so I could put it on and slip back into bed for a couple of minutes.  He never had a clue.  (Apparently, neither did I because now that I typed that out — man, that was just stupid!)

One day about 9 years ago I decided I did not have the time or patience to waste 16 minutes on a makeup frenzy.  All I had to do was throw on my fashionable, opaque sunglasses and no one would ever know my face was naked and my eyes were shadowless and unlined.

Not only did no one notice on that day, but no has ever said one word to me about the fact that I was no longer wearing makeup.  Either they were too shocked by my facial nakedness or they did not want to embarrass me by telling me how incredibly awful I looked.

About a week ago, I had something irritating my eye.  I found a small mirror to investigate what was rolling around under my lid.  I was also horrified to discover that I no longer had eyelashes.  They were gone.  Well, they were there but they were so light they were almost non-existant.  Totally.

I got in my car and drove to the nearest CVS Pharmacy where I immediately headed for the “Beauty” aisle.  I was fortunate that I chose that day to buy cosmetics because they were having a huge sale.

I bought just the basics; brown/black mascara, Earthly Taupe shadow, Natural Ivory foundation, and Blushing Nude cheek color.  I came home and hid them.  I wasn’t sure I really wanted to do this.  Putting makeup on this face .  A 9-years-has-passed-much-older-face, by the way.

At the moment I sat down to apply my newly acquired makeup this morning, I wasn’t sure I wanted to take this step.  It may not seem like much to anyone else but to me this was huge.

I haven’t liked myself in a very long time.  I didn’t want put makeup on because I was afraid of what I’d see in the mirror.  I don’t remember when this hatred for myself started or it got this out of control, but I decided I had to get past it.

Okay … it’s been 5 hours and 21 minutes since I’ve put on mascara and eye shadow.  I didn’t do the foundation or blush.  I don’t know why.  But I think I need a lot of practice with mascara.  Or figure out how to put mascara on my lashes (oh, yeah … I do have lashes! It’s magical!) while wearing my reading glasses.   I didn’t have that problem 9 years ago — trying to get the mascara wand under my glasses without actually touching my glasses.

Well, here I am.  I have mascara and shadow on and I feel pretty darn good.  It seems so silly.  All this fuss about makeup.  Maybe later I’ll put on some base and blush.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Daily Nonsense, Rambling | 5 Comments »

My 2nd & Last Non-Political Post

By Mattie | September 27, 2008

I’ve said this before but in case you missed it the first time around let me repeat myself.  I am not a politically motivated person.  I learned after a three-hour conversation with my oldest brother that talking politics, even particularly with a beloved brother family member, is an exercise in futility — especially if opinions are diametrically opposed or the other person is a complete political genius idiot.  Examples:  Oil and Water, Fire and Ice, Michael Moore and General Motors’ CEO.

So here’s what motivated me to register to vote at 3:05 am this morning.

I watched the debate last night.  (Come on now, skimming CNN’s or Fox’s summation of the debate does not, I repeat does not count as watching the debate).

I had not planned on watching the debate.  I had already decided that the two candidates were running within a 5% margin of each other so there was no point. “Might as well flip a coin,” I thought.

I now realize the foolishness of that thought process.

The second thing that happen last night was that I read Dave’s post here.   Dave was spot on with his personal summation of the events as they unfolded last night.  And while I was reading Dave’s thought-provoking words on my screen, something really terrifying occurred to me.

I needed to register to vote.  I need to vote.  If I don’t vote, a certain beloved brother family member will get “his” candidate elected.  And that frightens the bejezus out of me. Even more so after watching the debate.

I needed to register to vote to cancel out my brother’s a certain family member’s vote.  While it may not be an extra vote for “my” candidate it will cancel the negative vote of my brother against the guy I want this country needs as the next President.

Checkmate, my dear beloved brother family member.  Checkmate.

Remember:  Last day to register to vote is October 6, 2008.  Start registration process here.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Family (extended), Non-Politics | No Comments »

What? Really?

By Mattie | September 25, 2008

So, today I had to run some errands in the early morning.  I usually am up at 5 am.  After mainlining a cup of coffee (I usually let it drip right into my cup the second I turn the coffee maker on — so it is the strongest cup of coffee evah), I decided I was wide awake and ready for anything.

Once I turned my engine over, I realized that I wasn’t going anywhere until I got some gas.  With nothing but fumes in my tank, I pull into the nearest gas station (3.6 miles from my house — my place is in the country, surrounded by corn stalks, dontcha know?) and pull behind a woman pumping her gas.

I hobble inside the Turkey Hill (Amish country version of 7-11) and tell the man to give me $30 on pump #4 after the woman ahead of me finishes her business.

I hobble back to my car and just as I reach the driver’s side, the woman (who upon closer inspection was not nearly as old as I thought she was) finished topping off her tank, smiled at me, said “Good morning!” and then drove off into the sunrise.

I pulled my van closer to the pump, shut off the engine, and proceeded to put the pump nozzle into my tank.

I stood there for a minute wondering why the pump LCD display was not showing “$0.00,” letting me know it was okay to begin filling the tank.

I stupidly thought if I hit the “Start” button a gazillion times it would reset the display.  After a full five minutes of my shenanigans, the clerk came out to see what my problem was at the pump.  Oh, he tried to talk to me on the speaker, but I didn’t understand a word he said and vice versa.

He walked up to me (and without a smile on his handsome face) and said, “What the hell are you waiting for?”

I told him I was the hell waiting for him to flip the “On” switch inside the store so I could get my gas.  He looked doubly miffed and said, “Well, once you got the $20 worth of gas and shut the pump off, your credit card issed a refund for the $20 you didn’t get.”

What? Really? Do people do that, pay for gas then get a refund when they don’t buy all their gas?  Why would someone do that anyways … pay a specific dollar amount if you know you’re not going to use it?

People don’t.  At least I don’t.

So I told him, “Sir, I have not pumped a single drop of gas into my tank.

Somewhere during the conversation, we collectively determined that the woman who was ahead of me, you know the bitch who took the time to smile ever so adorably and say, “Good morning!” like she was my BFF?  Yeah, her.  She totally stole $20 worth of my gas.

The clerk apologized for not paying attention while she was doing this deed and took my credit card (so I wouldn’t have to hobble the long walk back to the inside of his establishment) recharged me the $20 that was refunded for not getting that much in gas.  He trotted back outside and told me to begin pumping, and then when the pump display showed $20 to stop, reset the pump nozzle, and begin pumping again so I would get my full $40 worth of gas.  Of which $20 was now on them.

The first thing I did when I arrived home was to go online to my American Express account to make sure that this kid didn’t overcharge me.  He didn’t and I was happy.  Pissed off that a 5-minute stop turned into a 27 minute stop, but happy it all worked out.

Have things gotten that bad that people will blatantly steal gas from strangers just because they think they can get away with it?

Well I think that just stinks.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Daily Nonsense | 4 Comments »

Our New Place

By Mattie | September 24, 2008

The photo (left) is a picture of our new home. Well, hopefully anyways.  We have completed an application and are just waiting for final approval.  It is in the State of North Carolina.

That is a lake.  The apartment homes are beautiful.  There is a fantastic exercise room that I hope to be able to get strong enough to use.  There are also boat slips (don’t I sound like I know what I’m talking about?)  It will be a three-bedroom, two full baths, separate dining room and kitchen, living room with French doors leading to a patio with this view.

No, we don’t need three bedrooms.  Except when the grandkids come for a visit, and when family uses and abuses us for a vacation destination, and when I get pissed off enough at hubby that I’m looking to bed down elsewhere.

They accept cats.  We need a boat though.  I know it’s not very “girly” but I love fishing.  My grandfather loved to fish and take me a long.  I learned a lot from him.  And there’s just something about outsmarting a fish and hooking one on a line and reeling it into shore kicking and screaming.

Just in case we are unable to get approved (with a credit score of a combined average of 810 — I doubt they are going to turn us down) we have a backup place shown on the right.

It’s no on the shores of a huge lake, but it as just as beautiful.

Now comes the hard part.  Waiting.  I’m not a very patient person when it comes to waiting.  For the most part.

I’m already half packed.

Well, I’m off to eat a hearty bowl of Cherrios Multigrain.  Y’all have a great day.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Relocation, Uncategorized | 10 Comments »

I failed.

By Mattie | September 22, 2008

Every day is a new day.

And every day I fail.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Truth: Shame | Comments Off

Sideways Sunday

By Mattie | September 21, 2008

I had my follow-up visit with my family doctor this past Friday.  All my blood work was fine for my pancreas, liver, and kidney.  This is very good news.  It doesn’t mean that the crisis that put me in the hospital for 4 days has resolved itself, but it also doesn’t mean that it hasn’t either.  I rather prefer to think it’s gone.

The only thing hanging over my head right now is that my platelets were way too low.  Normal range for platelets is 150-450.  Mine were at 111.  He’s not concerned about it because I had abdominal injections of heparin (blood thinner) the entire time I was in the hospital and it just may be that because it takes 90 days to build up a good supply of healthy platelets it’s been too soon to get a good reading on the platelets time-wise. I’ve only been out of the hospital 3 weeks.

In other news, we now appear to be focusing on Delaware.  Well, at least one of us is anyways.  There are no State taxes, because of my husband’s status as a 100%, service-connected disabled Vet, there will be no property taxes — and even if he wasn’t eligible for that, property taxes in Delaware are ridiculously low compared to other States, and housing is affordable.  Not to mention of course, the fact that NASCAR is at Dover Downs, there are three casinos, and fishing is everywhere (ocean, river, creek, and lake).

I did some research on the fishing.  It seems there are quite a few areas that have “fish consumption guidelines.”  For most bodies of water in Delaware, it is not adviseable to eat more than two fish in 6 months.  This does not make me happy.

My grandfather taught me the ins and outs of fishing from when I was about 8 years old.  It’s something that I like to do and hooking worms (or crickets, minnows, or even leeches for that matter) do not bother me.

Catching a fish and having to throw it back because it’s harmful to eat does bother me.

I’ve begun to track the weather and climate patterns of Delaware.  I’ve also told my husband that we have to leave open the possibility that we’ll end up in North Carolina (where my 2 grandkids live).  And he agreed.  (You could have knocked me over with a feather!)

I sold one of our cars to my sister.  I gave her a more than fair price.  The car is 6 years old and only has 11,221 miles on it.  We bought the car in the hopes of giving to our daughters so that they could go wherever they wanted to go to and so that we would no longer provide taxi service.

Unfortunately (for us) neither of our daughters got a driver’s license.  I know, hard to believe but it’s true.  Neither one of them felt like they wanted to drive — in spite of the driver’s education classes (which they aced) or of their more than 70 hours behind the wheel.  (Hubby is much more patient than I am, TG!)

So we sold the car for $3,500 and we’re shipping it to N. Ft Myers.  We’re shipping it with a semi-hauler/carrier. Actually, it’s the same company that shipped our van from CA to PA.

The money from the sale of the car will definitely come in handy when we move next year.  It’s going to buy a new bed and living room furniture.  The less we have to move from here to wherever means the less we have to pay the movers.

That’s it for now.   Coffee’s cold.  Yuck.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Daily Nonsense, Rambling | 1 Comment »

I’m Going to be a Grandma … Again

By Mattie | September 20, 2008

Third time.  I’m too young for this.

Am I happy about this?  Under normal circumstances I would be very happy. I don’t have a granddaughter yet so I had been (in the past) gently reminding my son and daughter-in-law on occasion how nice it would be to have a girl grandbaby.

That was before my daughter-in-law walked out on my son and his lovely wife decided to take a break for the summer months.   The reunited 7 weeks ago.  She’s 5-6 weeks with child.

My son told me two years ago he was getting a vasectomy.  When I asked him how it was possible that they were pregnant if he had a vasectomy two years ago, he promptly replied, “I chickened out.  I never had it done.”

I wanted to jump up and down for joy.  But truthfully, there was no joy.  Only deep, deep concern.

I asked him how he felt about this turn of events.  He said he always wanted a daughter.

I gingerly asked him how they could let something like this happen knowing they were on the verge of divorce, they are in couples counseling, they are in parenting counseling, and their relationship is hanging by the merest frayed thread?

Did I not have to listen to him cry on the phone. No, he didn’t cry … it was more like a complete body meltdown.  Heaving and shuddering uncontrollably.  Not something I’d ever witnessed from him or anyone else, for that matter.

It was a careful line I had to walk.  Somewhere between ecstatic and scared shitless.

I’m going to be on my knees doing a lot of praying that things work out.  I wish I could garner up some real joy. I had to fake it for him.  I had to pretend that I supported their decision to have this baby.

I did tell him at one point that a baby can not carry the burdon of saving their marriage.  It was the only real negative thing (in his view) that I said to them both.

Somebody had to say it.  I did.  Then I let it go and bit my tongue.

I have a feeling I’ll be doing a lot of that in the next 7 months and 2 weeks.

As Ever...Mattie

Topics: Family (Immediate) | 2 Comments »


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